Biting my tongue at the restaurant

Every shift at the restaurant usually has at least one conversation with a guest that leaves me having to bite my tongue and try to come up with a customer service driven answer. Here are a few experiences at the restaurant where I truly wished I could have said something differently.

Now, before I make fun of other people, I should point out that I’m right there with them. When I was at a restaurant in San Antonio during the National Writing Project Annual Meeting, we walked into this enormous restaurant. As we wandered around, I became frustrated as I couldn’t figure out where we were supposed to sign in. So when I asked, the lady pointed out the ENORMOUS five foot tall blinking neon sign by the front door with an arrow pointing down at the desk, reading “Sign in here.”

Guest:       Is your Pepsi real, or is it from that syrup?

What I said: Oh, it’s real.

What I wanted to say: Yup, it’s real. It’s fresh squeezed, picked from our Pepsi tree out back just this morning.

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Guest:       Is the Pork Marsala steak?

What I said:  Well, it’s Pork.

Guest:       Um, do you have any of that sall-man?

What I wanted to say: It’s pork. No, we don’t have either sall-man or salmon. Shall I bring you the children’s menu?

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Guest:       (Bringing a full martini up to the bar with a little bit of an attitude) Excuse me, this martini is way too strong. It’s supposed to be a lemontini.

Me:           I’m sorry. It is quite strong. Would you like me to add a juice to it?

What I wanted to say: It’s a martini, not a wimpy mixed drink. IT’S PURE VODKA! How could I have made it not as strong? There’s only one ingredient, you know, the ingredient listed on the menu when you ordered it. I’d be happy to make you a Shirley Temple.

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Guest:       (Standing in the middle of the restaurant, just outside the kitchen doors, on a busy night) Hi, there’s two of us.

What I said: (With a tray of food in my hands) Oh, if you walk right up to the front to the host stand, the hostess will be able to help you out.

What I wanted to say: Really, are there many restaurants that you’ve been to where to open the kitchen door and ask for a table? 

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What I said:   (Walking up to a table that was just seated.) Hello, how are you two doing today?

Guest: (Without looking up from the menu) Water, extra lemon.

What I said:   I'll be right back with that for you.

What I wanted to say:  I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like me to bring you a towel, or is it just your tourettes acting up?

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One of my all-time favorites:

Guest:       (Pointing to the bottom of the wine list, where the house wines are listed. “Cabernet ~ Merlot” and on the next line, “Chardonnay ~ White Zinfindel”)  I’ll have the cab-er-net mer-lot (pronouncing both the “net” and the “lot”).

What I said: I’ll be right back with that. (Poured a glass of merlot thinking it wouldn’t really matter.)

What I wanted to say: Don’t drink a whole lot of wine, do you? I’ll be right back. If you hear any hysterical laughing, it’s not me. (In his defense, he may have thought it was a Cabernet-Merlot blend, but based on pronunciation, I'd be willing to bet that wasn't the case.)